Admittance
by Lynn Osburn
Summary: My version of the time Mozenrath spent with Distane. Containes non consentingsex, graphic violence, and contimplations of suicide. Please R/R


Admittance  
  
By: Chroias  
  
Part One: Thoughts and Reality Chapter One And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everythings made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
There was something wrong with this land.Something wrong with the very air I breathed as we stepped from the portal. It felt thick and heavy with some unknown substance that made it difficult to breath.The very soul of the air was tained swith some sort of unspeakable flavor.  
  
I hated him the moment we meet. There was something wrong with this man. Something severely wrong. His smile was thin lipped and cold as he spoke to my mother. His eyes were a harsh and unfeeling black. The whole of his eyes were like nothing more than two deep pools of emptiness, trying to pull me inside. His grayish-yellow hair clung to his skull and seemed matted by natural grease.  
  
I clung to my mother's skirt protectively, as thought she would actually offer some amount of comfort to me. The man glanced at me once maybe twice, as though trying to determine if such a little speck was really worth his time or trouble. He sneered and turned back to my mother.  
  
"You know there is only one reason I am taking him in." His words made him twice as terrifying. Slurred and crude. His eyes grazed over me with an unatural hunger.It tried to look back,but dropped my gaze,.  
  
"I am aware of your particular....tastes. And I don't care. Do what you will, only make sure his is trained." Mirage, for that is my mother, looked down at me and gave me a harsh push to him."He's your problem now."  
  
I whined gently and looked behind me for some sign of my mother. All the evidence that she had ever been there was the sparkle of green highlighted in the sand.  
  
"So I have a new kitten to play with." He said in mock amusement. "Dandy dandy dandy!" He pushed me in front of him and ordered me to stand straight. He used his hand to trace the line of my face. "I am not impressed by you little kitten. Not in the least." He gripped my face hard, squeezing my cheeks. "So does the little kitten wish to learn magic?"  
  
I tried to look him in the eye, but was forced to push my head down. "Yes sir. I do wish to learn magic."  
  
A strong backhand lashed across my face. Cold marble connected with me. "You will refer to me as Master." His voice ice voice echoed around the walls. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I was directed to a bedroom. It reeked of mold and mothballs so badly I was forced to gag back. I banged a window open and attempted to breath in fresh air.Again the putricidy of the oxygen filled my lungs.  
  
I laid down in the bed only to find that the straw contained fleas by the thousands. I was only six at the time but the shadows still seamed to move. They called invitingly to me. 'Come and play Mozie Come and play with us' I pulled away from them and sat.  
  
On my bed.  
  
One my flea ridden bed.  
  
On my flea ridden bed in a dark scary place.  
  
My body shivered. I began to pace about the room, trying to warm my blood. Finally I went to the window again. I stared up into the stars of the sky. Searched until I found my constellation.  
  
Leo.  
  
I was born under that sign.  
  
Not many people know that. It has remained my constant companion throughout the years. Leo.  
  
The lion.  
  
My friend. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I was shook awake early that morning. I murmured something and attempted to return to sleep. A hand found my foot and pulled me from the bed. "Up you lazy good for nothing brat!" A hard slap tore across my face. "Next time I say up I mean it now!" A sharp foot kicked my chest. I doubled over in pain and attempted to stand.  
  
"What in the hell do you think you're doing?" I yelled at him. Another angry fist hit my face. "Stop it!" I screamed.  
  
"You dare to tell me what to do!" Destain grabbed a lock of my thick black hair and pulled me up by it. "So the little kitten needs a lesson in respect does he?" He grabbed me long locks of hair and pulled me forward. "I'll teach you a lesson you'll not soon forget!"  
  
I tried to turn around and push away but his hold proved to good. I felt my fists pressed to hard cold marble. The wall melted and solidified across my hands. I heard the sharp snap of leather and braced myself for the blows. "You will call me master little kitten. You will."  
  
*Snap*  
  
I didn't feel the first snap thanks to shock. But the second one came like a bat from hell.  
  
*Snap*  
  
*Snap*  
  
*Snap*  
  
I locked my jaw, determined not to call him supirior.  
  
*Snap*  
  
*Snap*  
  
"I'll be damned if a brat like you is going to make a fool out of me!" Destain reared back and threw the whip again.  
  
*Snap*  
  
*Snap*  
  
*Snap*  
  
I felt the blood trickle down my back. My shirt was in shreds and soaked with the fluid. Oh God it hurt! It was like being pierced by a thousand arrows!  
  
*Snap*  
  
My head throbbed.  
  
*Snap*  
  
My back ached.  
  
*Snap*  
  
I lost my grip and slumped to the floor. I felt the tears come from my eyes. "Master!" I screamed unable to hold it back any more. "Master!" I hated hearing that word.That vile wreatched word that tore itself from my lips and into the air.  
  
Blood trickeled down my back and soiled by ants.I'd screamed so hard the the smell of urination also further reeked the air.Both liqueds mixed and shined in the moon-light on the floor.I felt filthy.  
  
It echoed aloud in the Citadel walls. Mocking me. Abruptly the snapping stopped. I heard a satisfied grunt from behind me .The walls melted again and I slumped to the floor. A harsh hand gripped my chin. "Have we learned out lesson little kitten?" A vulpine smile met my tear stained face.  
  
"Yes master." ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I was given no opportunity to rest. And I didn't dare slouch in the chair. "Now that our first lesson is over, we can go on to the second part." He grinned maliciously. I nodded slowly. "Good." He placed a large brown book in front of me. The binding was trimmed in gold with strange symbols I had never seen before. "This is the Qu'ran. It is the same equivalent as the Catholic bible. Except for the Islamic. it is also a powerful tool for knowledge. You are of course not to take any of it seriously. It is not really much more than a philosophical book in the respect of it's beliefs."  
  
I opened the book and looked at the script. I knew the bare essentials of Farsi. My mother insisted upon lessons for me. I winced since I had to lean over to see it. The beginnings of scabs cracked as I looked closely. Destain placed his hand on a certain passage. "Read from Surah 2: Al Baqara."  
  
I shrugged. "He said: "Oh Adam! Tell them their names." When he told them Allah...."  
  
Destain looked up. "Why are you stopping?"  
  
"Who is Allah." I asked. Being native Egyptian I knew of several God's but this one was beyond me. I knew of Hathor, Osiris, Set, Bastet, Anubis, Sotar, Ra. But I had never heard of this...Allah.  
  
"Allah is god."  
  
"God of what?" My curiosity remained unsated.  
  
"Not of what!" He said as though I was the stupidest person on Earth. "Just God." He pointed down to the book. "Read."  
  
I continued on,reading the pages without thinking them.The words made little sense to me as I spoke them through. I had no knowledge of this Allah,what was he to me? Even with the Egyptian dieities, I'd had little concern.Religion was never something highly practiced around my home.It was an impossible question for a child to figure out.Especially with the thing hovering over me. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
Chapter Two And you can't fight the tear that ain't comin'  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything seemed like the movies  
  
Yeah ya bleed just to know your alive  
  
I was staring up at Leo again. It was my birthday. Not that anyone actually cared, but it was a fact. I found a certain sense of peace when I looked at the stars then. It always let me think. I had at least been moved to a larger room. One with a balcony that I could walk out on.  
  
I had been here six, perhaps seven months. It really should have been considered an honor that I was given a room where flea's and mite didn't plague me. It had been my first chance for a rest since.... weeks ago.  
  
Even so, I preferred to simply watch the stars.  
  
I sighed and laid back against the cool marble. It felt good to have my back against something. It was a small comfort. Small but utterly infinite in it's simplicity I looked back to my room. This one creeped me out twice as much now.  
  
The torched were held by hands.  
  
Fleshed hands.  
  
They looked far to familiar to me. The few servants Destain kept around the Citadel had a nasty habit of disappearing and suddenly reappearing a limb short.  
  
Thunder echoed in the distance. I liked the thunder. It meant rain. A soft mist began to turn to a drizzle. The drops. Then it poured. It was a warm comforting rain.  
  
And I liked it.  
  
I liked the wash of warmpth it caressed my face with.The hard,fast beating around my cloathing and skin.IT created a feeling of cleanliness I'd never felt before. A sort of bath for the soul.I closed my eyes and lavished myself in the affection of the storm. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I woke up in my bed with no discernible clue as to how I had gotten there. The rain had stopped but the musty smell lingered in the air. The forever moon still hung in the sky, giving the whole kingdom an unusual attraction.  
  
I heard the thud of Destain's boots against the floor and leaped from bed.  
  
"Up already?" He sounded mildly surprised. "Just as well. I have a special treat in store for today." He hurried me along the corridor. I sat down and began to read the spells he had given me.  
  
Destain was very meticulous about his spells, and woe to the person who got the wrong spell in the wrong place.  
  
And uncomfortable feeling creeped up my spine. I noticed Destain circling me like a vulture before a dying camel .He lifted a lock of my hair to his nose.  
  
It took me a moment to realize he was smelling it. "Little kitten?"  
  
I shuddered at that name.I could never understand on why he insisted I respond to it.It seemed like a gently or sweet name someone might have.An affectonate term for a careing partner. But his words held no such kindness for me. "Yes master."  
  
"Little kitten. My pale sweet little kitten." His fingers brushed my cheek. "How are we feeling today my little kitten? Energized?" Something was wrong. Very wrong. Every bone in my body told me to run.His voice was uncharacteristically soft and conjoling. Sweet as honey and twice as thick.  
  
My eyes dodged about for an escape rout should one become necessary. "You have been doing so well with your studies. I think you deserve a treat." His lips pressed my cheek. A low moan escaped his lips.  
  
"Master?" I said in a questioning tone.The vile flesh of his lips drew closer to mine.The touched me.At first it was a breezeing touch.The it became stronger.  
  
"Hush little kitten. All will be well." Destain promised.He flingered a lock of my hair and sniffed it precriousely. His fingers scratched down the nape of my neck,undoing the scrap of cloth there.  
  
I jerked away and he jerked me back."Now now sweet kitten..."he licked his lips before pressing another kiss to my lips and forceing his tounge past he teeth.  
  
He tasted as rancid as yak cheese and his hands searched out my body.My cloathing fell to the floor like tattered doves and I was pressed down.I barely remember crying,I only remembered the stickyness of my tears against my cheek.I knew what was going on. Somewhere in my mind I knew.  
  
Pain filled my as I was entered.He seized my thin hips and brought me back against his worm of a member.I shivered and screamed at every thrust and buck inside me. My body racked with pain and unrelenting agony.  
  
He grunted and muttered behind me,takeing my thighs and clawing into them as I continued to scream and whine.He finished within a half hour and I dropped to the floor. A slap met my rear."Good kitten." he muttered as the smell of male release filled my nose."You may rest now.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I tried to stand, but it hurt to much.My orface ached and felt streatched and I knew from the dark red that I had been torn to far.I was bleeding.  
  
I turned over on my back and barely managed to pull my pants back on,whimpering with every yank up.My fingers were jittery and frightened.  
  
Eventualy,I managed to sit up,despite the further streatching it caused.A few minuets later I stood and began to feel a little better.  
  
'Walk it off' My mind said.'Walk it off...'  
  
Who ever came up with that phrase was a compleat idiot. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
Chapter Three And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.  
  
When everything s made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am.  
  
*I was dreaming.  
  
I knew I was dreaming.I'd never felt anything like this before in real life.It was too perfect to have ever been in my real life.  
  
Everything was painted.The sky was such a menagerie of color that it was impossible to name the varying shades of blue.Even the pearlecent white clouds have a silvery cyan lineing to them.  
  
I felt the warmpth of sun on my face like I never had before.It felt like a caressing of pure unadulterated love.Something I knew I'd never had before.  
  
I was nude.No problem there.The hazle colored wheat touched my bare skin gently and I watched the sky.No one for miles upon miles around.I smiled.I felt so good.So fantastic.  
  
But as in so many things in my life,the dream took a turn.  
  
I felt as though I was being watched.Then it became more then a feeling  
  
The ground beneth me went hard and brittel.The very Earth herself rebelled against my touch.The rolling wheat became withered and dead,scattering in the winds.  
  
The clouds dissipated,leaveing and spreading into dark,forboding colors.The flash of lightning scattered as I began to run.I could feel the presence of him.He was gaining on me.Quicker and quicker.  
  
Other people never get caught in their dreams...  
  
I always get caught.  
  
And then he thrusts inside inside me. * ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I jumped up from my bed and ran for the balcony. A strong lurching was in my stomach. I vomited. The vile noise of trying to breath reached me.  
  
I felt filthy.Every inch felt disguting. My body felt...defiled! Horribly defiled! Like someone had pushed inside me and ripped my guts out! The bile dribbled down my chin.  
  
I spat a few times in an attempt to get the taste out. I stumbled inside and began to use the water basin inside to rinse the taste from my mouth. I found the most desolate corner of the room and slid back against the wall.  
  
I rolled my child body into a tiny ball and tried to sleep. I wanted to vomit again. I shivered in pain and self-pity. Wetness dripped down my face. But I knew no one could see the tears. It was dark. But it didn't hurt like Destain's darkness did. It was a cold unfeeling darkness. And it didn't hurt. I felt myself stop crying. I felt calm .  
  
Cold.  
  
Calm.  
  
It was so dark.  
  
So cold.  
  
So calm.  
  
I had found my sanctuary in the darkness.Amoung the torch bearing hands and the confineing walls.In the cold damp rooms.  
  
There is no sanctuary in a Citadel.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
My mind began working things out slowly. I knew I couln't resist Destain's advances on my body.I wished desperatly for someone to run to.Just run away and embrace.Anyone.Someone who could wrap me in their arms and tell me that I was alright.  
  
For someone who'd never had such an experence,had never even seen such an experence,just wishing for it was an accomplishment.  
  
I knew my mother would be useless.She'd admitted to knowing about the depraved tastes of a senile and perverted old man. Nix the cat.  
  
And as for a father...  
  
That was a moot point.  
  
Once again I felt terribly alone.Most people I know of have,if nothing else, a memory to visit.A small place of happieness they can look to when times get bad enough.A sparkle of a loving person or peice of hope they had once in their life.Even a begger smiles when he gets a plate of warm food.  
  
What if the begger didn't even know what food was? ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ Chapter Four And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
Cause I know that you feel me some how  
  
You're the closest to heaven I'll ever be  
  
And I don't wanna go home right now  
  
I walked around the Citadel in a trance like state. Still an effect from the spell I had been working earlier. It had been a relocation spell. Basically what it did was allow you to phase-shift. Shall we say the spell did not go as I had originally planned?  
  
I had managed to throw myself into the next place. Or at least my soul. My body had been completely without a soul for a whole ten seconds. That may not seem like an extraordinary long time, but the effects were damaging enough to produce a minor concussion when my soul was pulled back.  
  
It had to relocate itself through a nasty place called the Abyss. Then shove itself back in through my skin.  
  
Like I said not nice.  
  
I started to trip and reached out to grab something. My hand landed on a gryphon's beak statue. To my shock it bent purposefully and I saw the floor beneath me drop out. The chute encased me as I dropped. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I landed on cold concrete. Not cool and smooth but rough and warm. It ripped a hole in some of my clothing. Cobwebs stuck to my hand as I stood. I rubbed the strings off. The room was faintly lighted as I looked around.  
  
The torches were held by skeletal hands in ever corner.  
  
And books. Books on books on books. All the way up to the ceiling. I looked up, my eyes following the bookcase. And feel back as I saw the painting on the ceiling. The picture was strange. Horribly so. A great church cathedral tower painted in dusk night colors.  
  
Faces poured from the tower, some cried some screamed even more just stared blankly lifelessly. And some were staring at me.  
  
I tore away from the panels. They were wrong. Something was horribly wrong with them. Something in them moved with no will to do so.Faces in tourment and twisted images with souls defiled.They shuddered in the walls and touched eachother in evil ways.  
  
Something began to push me. No not push. It was like I was being pulled in by a rope. It lead me to a dark oak table, Set against a brick wall. A few burnt scraps of paper and a broken quill pen identified that this place had not been used in some time.  
  
A small pull rose my hand up to the brick wall. Something seized control! I tried to pull back but my ability was refused! 'Liberate Mi' something called.  
  
My index finger was extended as the rest of them curled up in a bunch. I looked at where my finger was pointing. To a single brick, with a pentagram on it. I reached out of my own will and began to touch the brick. '  
  
'Liberate Mi'  
  
It was a horrid pounding like the beat of a drum.Forboiding and ill intentioned.  
  
"I'm telling you your not training him fast enough!"  
  
I panicked and the hold of me broke. That voice was coming directly from outside! The door began to slide open as I dashed between a bookshelf and tried to squeeze in. It was a tight fit but I made it, barely. The door swung open and in walked my mother and Destain.  
  
"He is only a ten year old Mirage." Destain defended himself. "I can only do so much within the three years he has been here." His words were being chosen carefully.  
  
"I don't give a Ra's damnation if he's here for eternity." Mirage's fangs glinted in the light. "I want him trained by the age of fifteen."  
  
Destain blanched as though she couldn't possibly be serious. "Fiff... fifteen! Are you quite serious! Do you have any Idea what that will require!"  
  
"Yes I am perfectly aware. Now listen to me you pedophile! I want my son trained. I don't care what it takes! If you have to drag him through hell and high water till they both freeze over!" Mirage looked over at the pentagram on the wall. "Fifteen Destaine." She evaporated in a sparkle of green dust.  
  
Destain scoffed. "Fifteen! Who does she think she is. Most sorcerer's aren't properly trained until thirty!" He turned around and looked at the brick with the pentagram on it. "Fifteen. Is she insane?" he asked himself.  
  
I could have answered that question easily enough. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ Chapter Five And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breath is you life  
  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.  
  
*I felt sick again. My head leaned over the bowl of the toilet. It had happened again. And again and again. I felt filthy. Absolutely filthy. I was forcing myself to throw up everything I had in me. Not that I had much in my stomach;. Bile and spit washed past my lips. It hurt, by Allah it hurt! But it was better than suffering through what Destain did. Better than putting up with his tastes. There was a red tint to the bile now. I tried to chock back as I realized I was coughing up blood .I tried to stop and pull back. But the blood kept coming. ,It gushed from my mouth filling the toilet bowl and pouring over the bowl .I tried to breath. Allah I couldn't breath!* ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I woke up. My body had broken out into a cold sweat. I felt so horrible. But I was used to my master's habit. So I simple threw up beside the bed. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ The stench had filled the room by the time Destain had come to get me. He hauled me up by my neck and pressed my face down into the bile liquid. The stench filled my nose, I had to hold my breath not to gag. "See that!" He hollered in my ear. "What are you going to do about it?"  
  
"I'll clean it up! I promise!" Allah I was so weak back then. I was so terrified of what he could do to me. A man as depraved and sick as he was....the possibilities were endless.  
  
A sharp boot connected with my side. "See that you do little kitten." He began to walk away. "And when you have finished get a bath. You reek like the devil himself." ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I slipped into the tub. The hot water reached my neck and further. Oh dear Allah I just wanted to slip into that water and stay there forever .I gave my hair a good scrubbing and rinsing twice before I got out. I had barely managed to get dried off before my mother walked in. "Get dressed." She said calmly. "Were going to see exactly what that old fossil has managed to teach you" ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I had already broken out into a cold sweat. Strain made my body shake ,my hands felt unsteady as I made the signatures. The punishment for failure was eternity in hell. But it would be worth it. For a word, just one bloody word of appraisal. One bloody word of minor acceptance. I felt the spell over growing me and let go. I collapsed to the floor and rejoiced at it's coldness. I looked up at my mother.  
  
"Worthless." She muttered. "Is that all he can do?" her voice sounded so completely insulted. Even though we both knew no one this young had ever attempted a spell this complicated before. I dug my nails in my hands and stopped caring as the bloody dripped into my fingers. I just stopped giving a damn. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I waited. Waited patiently to hear the snores saying that Destain was asleep. I dresses myself and walked silently out into the Citadel. I stopped in the great hall. I could get in major trouble for this. Sneaking about, interfering with my own training. I was only a 10 year old boy. The punishments and tortures Destain would impose on me..... dismissed the thought from my mind as I caught a glance of myself, or rather my back in a mirror. Puckered pink lines were all that was left of the first actual beating I had ever received here. But they stood out clear as daylight to me. It was worth the risk. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ I landed on the cold hard floor. I flexed, letting the torches light. The strange picture no longer tormented me. I grimaced at the faces and pulled a book for the shelf. Two glowing eyes stared evilly out at me. The Arabic title Necrinomicon stared out at me. I chose a chair and sat down to read. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ Part Two: Dreams and Voices Chapter Six And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything s made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
It went on like that for ages. I stopped sleeping most nights. Barely ate or slept. Just for the opportunity to go down there.. I spent entire nights in the underground lab. I forgot that an angry master would be awaiting me as I emerged. My days down there were becoming so frequent that my skin turned a pale almost white. I would wake up forgetting where I was. But at least there were no dreams. Every time I slept down there, I compleatlslepted. The dreams and sick filthy feelings left. But a new one replaced them. A cold quiet voice would call to me gently. 'Liberate mi' It would say in a lulling tone. 'Liberate mi' It would echo inside my thoughts and mind. I would follow it and try to grab it. But I never could catch up. The voice would appear behind me..... And I would wake up screaming.  
  
It was like I had dropped into that dark panel on the wall. Like the faces had finally caught me and were tormenting me in the most horrible fashion. The pentagram began to pull at me constantly. It was a sharp painful pull. Worming it's way inside of me. I tried to focus on the book in hand.  
  
The pull snapped from me to the book. It soared and slammed head on into the brick with the inscribed pentagram. I stood and got just close enough to grab the book before it exploded. My hand was singed as I pulled it back. I bit back a yelp as my neck began to burn. It felt like a hot poker was being pressed to me. I began to pull at my thought. My hand grazed a scabbed spot that had not existed before. I rushed to a mirror. As I craned back my neck I saw a small skull there. Burnt in as though a hot poker had been pressed to my flesh. The pull grabbed me again. I began to tug at the brick and desperate to solve why this was happening. On solid well placed tug and the brick dislodged. I looked into the hole and removed a box.  
  
It was ebony. A well polished ebony with dark blue sapphires embedded into the woodwork. I let my fingers feel the carving as I saw the inscription.  
  
Liberate Mi  
  
I almost dropped the box and ran. But it was as though my fingers were now glued to it .I fumbled with the latch and gulped back a fear filled squeak. I was afraid. No terrified was a much better word. But as much as the fear existed inside of me so did desperation.  
  
As the lock clicked and I opened the box a cloud of dust and other air crap billowed out into the room. I gagged and closed my mouth.  
  
Gold velvet lay inside the box, and atop it a brown glove with black trim.. A seductive, slow pull gripped me now. 'Put it on' The pull said. 'Pick it up and put it on' I felt the glove with a finger of my hand. It felt strangely solid. As I picked it up and turned the object around in my hands. And I screamed as the bleached bone hand dropped out onto the floor.  
  
The pull was enormous now. A thudding harsh beat deeply imbedded inside my brain. Pulled away thanks to sheer fear and no control. I ran from the room and into the dark Citadel. My thirteen-year-old mind now seemed to burst with the oull trying to bring me back. I tried to scream as I ran headlong into Destain.  
  
My master grabbed my hair. "What are you doing little kitten?" He asked angrily.  
  
I did my best to remain composed. "I wasn't doing anything master." I kept my voice very very quiet. My head hung low until I was able to feel his hand touch my hair in an almost loving fashion. "I have been looking for you all day little kitten." He whispered as his lips touched mine. "I 've been so worried."  
  
'Oh dear gods no please not now!' I gasped as his hand pushed my lips to his again. "Mater please." I murmured. But he wasn't listening to me. His arms pulled me into a room. Oh Allah.....his hands wandered my body. ....  
  
'Oh Allah please'  
  
'Don't do this to me'  
  
My prayer feel silent as Destain grabbed my hips. That was it. My stomach couldn't take any more. I threw up. Destain was silent for a full ten seconds. I saw his fist ball up. But he didn't hit. "You... you,.... bastard!" He screamed in a high pitched almost girlish voice. "You worthless bastard child." His indignant face scrunched up. "Say it!!" He screamed into he darkness. "Say you're worthless." He grabbed the collar of my clothing and pulled me forwarded.  
  
"I'm worthless." I said in a barely audible whisper.  
  
"Say it!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"I'm worthless!" I screamed back at him in a challenge.  
  
"Yes you are. You are utterly worthless. No wonder you father left you. Even he realized how completely worthless you were as a child." Destain pushed me off the bed. "Why? Why did I ever take on such a pathetic bastard into my home?"  
  
"I am not a bastard!" I screeched back at him. I wanted to see him die. At that moment I wanted to see him die. "Oh yes you are. A worthless useless bastard. Can't even make a decent lover." He taunted me. "How could anyone ever love such a pathetic lump of ungrateful brat like you."  
  
It was disgusting to hear him refer to me as his 'lover'. To have a title like that, it would imply that there was somthing other then raw force behind the sex. Some sort of emotion."Ungrateful! How dare you!!" I could feel the tears on me now, but it was to late top stop them. No! I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't let him see me cry! "I do everything you ask me to." I motioned to the bed. "Even this.....atrocity!!!" My voice was going horse.  
  
"Oh do you try little kitten?" Destain's voice turned a cold mocking.  
  
"I AM NOT A LITTLE KITTEN!!!!!" I screamed so loud every other thing in the Citadel quieted. The silence when I finished was deafening. "I am not a little kitten you pedophilic son of a bitch."  
  
This time he hit me. His fist connected with my cheek. But not just a fist, he connected his magic with it this time. My body jolted and I felt my flesh burn. The pain seared through me. "How dare you!" Destain screamed.  
  
"I am you master you will obey!"  
  
I heard a scream. It sounded like me but I wasn't sure. It didn't feel like a scream I was capable of. Something inside of me began to disappear. I didn't know what it was, but I held on to it desperately. It was the only discernible thing from the pain. My body shook uncontrollably until it fell into spasms. The shadow of my master loomed above me. A wad of spittle his my forehead. "Worthless. Completely worthless." ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ Chapter Seven And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything seems like the movies  
  
Yeah ya bleed just to know your alive  
  
I was still partially in spasms as I ran to my room. Sheer adrenaline kept me running. I tore through my drawers and wardrobe, desperate to find the object I was after. I almost smiled when I noticed a glint of steel! I dove and pulled out a fine homerd dagger! I knew I was crying as I lifted it! But I didn't care1 I couldn't feel anything! Not anymore. I looked at my pale reflection in the mirror. 'Destain is right' I heard myself saying. 'You are worthless.' I pressed the steel blade to my throat! The blade was cold, but I could warm it up. All it would take is a little blood!  
  
No more pain.  
  
And all it would take is a slice.  
  
Just  
  
One  
  
Slice  
  
I could see the night sky from my position. The stars were so bright. So beautifully bright. I saw a familiar shape in the sky. Slowly, I lowered the dagger. I felt utterly blind as I walked out onto the balcony. My head seemed to lift itself. And I saw him.  
  
Leo.  
  
My old friend. It was my star. My constellation. Leo was my friend. I suddenly remembered, I was fourteen now. A rumble in the distance became louder as the rain washed over me. I almost let the dagger slip from my hand. Instead I looked at it. Glinting in the torchlight. I lifted my palm in a slow motion phase, and slit my palm. "I swear..." I murmured into the wind. "He will pay. By my own blood he will pay." ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________ Something. Something in the back of my mind told me I was insane. But I was too angry to listen to it now. The words Liberate Mi stared up at me as I pulled open the box. The brown leather glove had somehow made its way back into the box. But that was currently irrelevant to me. All I wanted was the glove.  
  
Oh by Allah!! The power it filled me with was immense!! Like a white hot lightning rod being forced through every vein. The faces on the ceiling smiled at me now in cruel and cold way I couldn't imagine. They were telling me what to do. Oh yes. I already knew what to do. ____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
Disntane didn't know what to think when he saw me standing there.He wore his usual grimace/grin, both twisted together on that crinckled face. I often hear of people berating me for murdering an old man. I prefer to think of it as putting him out of his misery.  
  
I didn't even let him speak before lifting the gauntlet and fired.Say what you will of me. Call me a back stabber, a murderer, a cheap parlor magician.But if you knew how magnificent it felt to see him die, you would not speak thusly.  
  
It was like watching a snail being sprinkled with salt. There is an odd sadistic pleasure in seeing a thing die.In knowing that your hands could give life or destroy it. Yes, power corrupts, even the smallest of power corrupts. And the corruption can feel so good.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____________  
  
I can't remember thinking to much after that. I felt drained, numb inside. I dragged myself up to bed and slept for days.Did I regret killing Distane...yes. But did I feel better then I had before...yes!  
  
I will never, ever regret what I had to do to gain what I thought was freedom. And yet I hate myself for not regreting it. A dark hole began to gape in my soul, one that seamed to spread further and further every day. With ever sweat drenching dream I felt the hole grow. With every pore of my skin I could feel the saturation of hatred and desier for death. Had it continued, it might have swallowed me whole.  
  
Until the arrival of a cirtian green haired deamon...and the unexpected friendship of a mocha skinned minion. 


End file.
